Life With LaRue "That's why you don't teach lessons..."

Today I am attempting to start a semi-regular column called "Life With LaRue" chronicling the saga of a svelte young raconteur tasked with caring for his batshit grandmother. As you all know, this is a true story, so I promise that I will never exaggerate any of the incidents I relate - you will soon see there is no need. Also, look for the photo to change - trust me, the real ones are much better.

I visited LaRue on Saturday morning, bringing her the usual staples: mangoes, avocados, pears, Rice Dream, carrot juice and sweet potatoes. I admit I hadn't actually gone into her room to see her for 2 weeks, but as soon as I enter the room she dispenses with the pleasantries quickly and gets right to heart of what she "needs".

Quick preface - about 6 weeks ago, she was driving me crazy, getting phone calls and text messages every day that she was out of this or demanding that... the orderlies have fallen for her tales of woe and believe she is truly suffering when she has no carrot juice for two days. Anyway, her list of demands kept growing - Now she wanted ginger ale, different kinds of ginger cookies, and of course Cutie Pies. For the uninformed, Cutie Pies are soy-based ice cream sandwiches I bought her for a special treat. Now she expected them to be there every week. I decided to have a talk with her and tell her we were working on a budget and that she needs to back off. I had brought her the treats, but she would have to do with less carrot juice and rice dream then she normally does. That was a huge disaster, she broke down crying and wailing about how she needed carrot juice for her vitamins, and that she should never have asked for "treats".

Flash forward to Saturday and as soon as I came in, she began explaining to me how much she needs ginger ale and Cutie Pies - how I am doing such a good job, but boy would she like some ice cream sandwiches. For once I didn't get upset.... just chuckled and nodded my head. That's why you don't try to teach your 80 year old grandmother lessons....

A few weeks back her concern was that she was not getting enough oxygen in her blood. She asked me to buy her something called structured water concentrate that get this.... puts more oxygen in water. (I didn't want to explain to her that the amount of oxygen in water is governed by molecular science, and more oxygen certainly doesn't come in a room temperature liquid.) I put off buying the concentrate, and lo and behold I came one day to find her hooked up to a breathing machine (she breathes fine by the way). The last couple of times I have gone I noticed that I was standing on the tubing that was stretched across the floor. I don't know what I expected - maybe something like the nun singing sequence in Airplane! - but I can tell you I didn't take my shoe off the tubing. I don't even think the thing gets turned on, she just puts it in her nose. Its a good thing I only spend 5-10 minutes in the room. Do you think I could get a judge to believe I "accidentally" stood on the hose for 30 mins and didn't move to help her while she was turning blue?